This post might be difficult for some people to read. Just a general discussion about my overwhelming sense of dread, and my overall negative perception of my life.

I decided to write this post because I am struggling right now. I am very unhappy in my life right now, and I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about it. My only friends are my brother and my sister-in-law, and they’re away travelling at the moment, so I can’t exactly talk to them.

Recently I’ve been feeling this deep sense that I’m not achieving anything in my life. I’m not getting anywhere. I don’t have a relationship, I’m not starting a family, I’m not buying my own home, or gaining a qualification. I’m just going to work, coming home, eating dinner, and going to bed. It’s the same thing every day, while people around me are engaged, pregnant, or leaving home.

I feel like I have nothing to offer the world.

My best friend from university doesn’t even talk to me anymore. I feel so alone and unwanted.

My job doesn’t even offer me that much satisfaction. I work in a nursery, with 2-4 year olds. There are moments where I love being around the children, but it’s not the job that I want for the rest of my life. It mostly cleaning up food and changing nappies. It’s exhausting, and it’s not the kind of job to make much progression (practitioner -> room leader –> deputy nursery manager -> nursery manager – it just moves away from children into paperwork). The problem is that I have no idea what I would rather be doing.

Nothing is giving me joy these days. Nothing that I can use to earn a living in any case.

And I know that getting a new job should be the first step to improving my situation, because it will allow me to earn enough to leave home. I just don’t know where to start with looking for a job. But when I say that I just feel like I’m making excuses for being lazy.

I’m just so done with everything. I feel like a complete inconvenience to everyone around me. I want to change so much about my life, but it doesn’t even seem possible right now.

I want a job that I enjoy, where I can earn enough to get my own home. I want to start a family, but I don’t have much desire for a relationship, and to be quite honest I don’t think anyone would want a relationship with me. No-one even wants to be my friend.

I just want to be happy, I want to be satisfied with my life. I want to raise happy children who don’t have to deal with the same shit that I’m going through. These things all feel so big, and I don’t think I’m capable of any of it.

I need to leave my parents’ house. I’m sick of living with them. Aside from the whole ‘child ab*se’ thing which I’m still working out in my brain (my parents don’t even acknowledge it), they’re filthy and disgusting, they don’t clean up after themselves, they don’t respect me or my space, and I just feel miserable living with them these days.

I need to get out. To get out, I need to earn more money. To earn more money, I need a new job. I don’t think I’m good enough at anything to be able to get a job. Nothing that would earn me a decent amount of money anyway.

I feel like I’ve wasted my whole life. I barely even remember my childhood because I’ve blocked it all from my mind. I did nothing good for myself in school. I chose stupid subjects for GCSE’s and A levels. Going to university was a waste of time. My degree won’t benefit me for anything, and it just made my depression worse. I’ve never had a decent job, I’ve only done retail and childcare, and neither of them will get me a job that will pay well.

Every moment of my life was wasted. I hate my whole life.

I don’t know how to put things right.

I’m stuck in a loop of feeling terrible about everything, wanting to change my life, not doing anything about it, and then feeling more terrible.

I know I should be looking for jobs. I know I should be sorting out my CV and cover letters. There’s so much I could do now to change and improve my life. But it all feels so futile. I just feel like an inconvenience to everybody around me, and I feel as though no-one cares.

And this really hurts to think about, but I can’t think about anything else.

I’ve wasted my whole life so far, and every moment that I spend thinking about how much I’ve wasted my life, I’m just wasting more time.

I was always told in school that I was smart. I was always able to understand my classes, and do well in exams. I didn’t have to revise for my GCSE’s to get all B’s. But then I got to A levels, and the exams were more difficult. I really struggled because I didn’t know how to revise. Even to this day, academia really stresses me out, and I always end up feeling like a failure.

I wish I could go back in time and change everything. I wish I could have chosen different friends in school. I wish I could have worked harder in my classes. I wish I could have chosen different subjects which would have allowed me to get a decent job, even if I didn’t enjoy them. Part of me wishes I hadn’t even bothered going to university at all, but I also kind of wish I had studied something that would have helped me to get a good job.

I’ve never known what I wanted to do with my life. Even as a child I never really thought about it. It was never a priority, until I actually had to go and get a job.

Part of me really wants to hand in my notice at work immediately. But that won’t really benefit me. I’ve always been told that I need to find a new job before resigning so that I don’t have a gap on my CV.

But recently I’ve been feeling like none of that matters. I just want to leave my current job. Maybe I should look for jobs further away from my parents (even though that would mean being further away from my brother and sister-in-law), but then I don’t really know other parts of the country that well. And I really like the area I live in at the moment, even if it’s super expensive.

I’ve also thought about living abroad, even if it’s just for a few months. I could go to a country with a different language, and learn to speak it. Or I could go to English speaking countries just for a different experience. I don’t know.

I just want so much in my life to change. I know I’m the only one who has control of that, but I also don’t feel like I have much control of my life at all.

I don’t know what to do. Where do I begin? What kind of jobs can I get with little to no experience, but would at least open up a career progression where I’d be able to earn more money? What is my first step?

I’m so overwhelmed by life. I just want to stop feeling like this.

Until next time,
Love, Bobbi. Xx.